A Triumph of Estrogen
by CobaltAC
Summary: A fill for the Kinkmeme. Men are dumb and shoot things they can't have sex with. Women are the smartest as shown when the asari make first contact with humanity. I am greatly sorry for this, but I couldn't resist. Forgive me.


_Before we begin, I'd like to point out that this was written entirely on the spot and is in no way meant to be taken seriously. At the time that I wrote this, I had been needing to vent for a long time. This was the result when one particular prompt pushed me over the edge and into writing._

_Said prompt is this:_

**_I am usually a filler not a poster, but this idea popped into my head today and actually, it has been fluttering around for about a year. (I did mention, I was a writer yeah?) ok good. _**

**_What if the asari had been the first ones to make contact with the new found species known as humans. As well ALL know from cult classic sci-fi movies, humans always over react and try to kill any intruder in their system. _**

**_But what if the asari had been able to make peaceful contact and during their first official meeting, I am guessing perhaps Dave Anderson was there and saw it all as a young Ensign, the asari automatically find the females VERY physically attractive. This being because human females are the very first species the asari have come across that closely resemble themselves. _**

**_This of course pisses off the human males and war breaks out. This pointless aggresion becomes known as the first contact war. _**

**_Bonus points, if some women, perhaps lesbians, convience the men in charge, to give the asari a chance, and offer themselves as peace prices.. And all the universe is one again.. lol_**

**_Anyone dare to fill? Or don't you have the balls? (yes I totally meant that...) lol. Come on - how funny would it be that women made world peace for once. You don't see us blowing the hell out of everyone do you? Thanks can't wait to read it. _**

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_Presented to you by Lifetime..._

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The group of asari diplomats came aboard the human ship, "Balls of Steel" with a lingering feeling of nervousness, a feeling that only amplified when they finally got to see the ship's commanding officer, Captain Jefferson Stealflex and his XO, Alvin Yahkatori.

Both were obviously males of this new species, as evident from their hideous physical appearances. Too broad in the shoulders with overhanging foreheads and lantern jaws of great justice, the looked far too box-y for the asari to find attractive, even though there are many asari who find salarians, drell, krogan, and turians of either gender attractive, butt human men are too fucking gross and insensitive and they objection me so they suck.

"Greeting, human," Matriarch Benezia introduced herself, trying her absolute best to keep the bile rising in her throat because penises are ew.

In response, the stupid human male captain gave the beautiful, intelligent Matriarch a disrespectful leer as his eyes gave her a long once-over, objectifying her so hard that the only way to even the score would be castration. Captain Stealflex took a few misogynistic steps over to her and grabbed her ass. Like total rape, girl.

"Hey, sweetness, you wanna get steve downes with the Flexmaster? I can please you so good." He said, even though he coulnd'ty because he was a dirty male with a tiny penis and turians would be sooooo much bigger in that department becuase they are absolutely superior in **EVERY FUAKCINH WEY!11!**

Benezia flipped the fuck out.

Throwing Captain Stealflex into a terminal (and his crew didn't care beacuase the women were smarter than violence and didn't like the fuckign guy anyway and the men were too stoopid to do anything) Benezia brushed the icky man germs off of her glorious female body, making herselfg pure eagain.

"You primitive, how dare you salt (angelina jolie) me like that! I am an asari and you will treat me with the proper respect an asexual being deserves!"

It was too late for Jefferson, however, as he began to fall down those fucking stairs, bro.

"I told you, man. I told you about those stairs!" Alvin called down the stairwell.

"It keeps happening!" Jefferson derplied and he was honest for once in his inferior male life becuase he did keep falling down the stairts becuas a penis means yur dumb.

Then Boobezia turned aorund like a grateful ballerina and spotted the most beautful and perfect and smart creature in the entire fucking galaxy across the "Balls of Steel"'s bridge.

It was a human female and she was so perfect. She was tall, well propositioned, atheist (because religion is for monkeys), and the smartest girl on the shop. Her name was Rachel Hannoway and she was a world famous journalist who went after her career instead of a man becuase she was independent and smart before she enlisted into the Alliance so she could fuck **Apex Predator** aliens because she saw that movie and suddenly wanted to use that term to feel smart with her friends.

"OMGoddess!" Cried all the asari as they rushed to the human woman's side. "You are so hot and attractive and we are only ever attracted to females like you because we asari obviously all have the same tastes and have the same mindset when it comes to sexual partners!"

"Wow, I feel important." said Rachel.

David Anderdaughter (changed his name to be moar PC to the female population) stepped up, putting on his best charming smile.

"What about me, ladies?" He said in a deep baritone that sounds awesome and he's the only cool male in the whole game because I don't see him as a dude but as a parental figure because Dad left. But he's still male and can't win.

Benezia and the other asari sneered at the sight of the filthy, unevolved human male with a penis that rapes everything.

"No, you can't put your penis inside my vag! Human men are ugly and the only males we even consider sleeping with are the turbans because they are Onarubble and loyal and have fucking 20 inch average sized dicks that are shaped like our favorite dildos and have infinite stamina and these are "alien" features to make them different than human men even though the author can't tell that there is a clear difference between "alien" and "superior in every conceivable way"."

"Woah then I can't argue with that logic. Oh wait, Ima male with a penis, logic don't apply to this brotha. I gotta rape something naow."

David Anderdaughterson then whipped his male chik-fil-a out and surprised the asari with his size.

"Wat, I thought human men were small and boring and pale in comparision to turian men!"

David smirked.

"Don't you know, ladies?" He pointed to his skin. "I was born in London."

"Wow, we didn't know that."

Before he could rap anywone, someone kicked down the ship's airlock and rushed inside and none of the air was coming out because the Massive Affect fields kept all the H2O inside the ship.

"Oh my God(dess. PC lol) ejaculated Anderdaughterson. "It's..."

"That's right, all you evil testosterones! It is I! Commander Experleralianataunpronounceablenamefuckt

hisbullshit Shepard. I am the most interesting poltergeist in the fucking world because I like to talk with this thing called EMOTIONS. I'm not gonna let you noomi rapace these asari, David! Stand down and get a vasectomy, NOAW!"

"Why should I listen to you?" He asked.

"Because I'm super smart and peaceful and better at everything. You want to know why?"

"Y"

"Becuase in my pants I have this thing that's called...

**...A VAGINA!**"

Then she kicked the stupid males into space and scissored all the asari and went out and searched for more Apex Predator aliens to fuck because they are so sexy with their fringes and biting rituals, like the time she masturbated to the raptors from Jurassic Park.

FUCKING END.

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_I am so sorry._

_I also regret nothing._


End file.
